Written sometime in 2009:

The anxiety is slowly killing me.

At least that's what it feels like.

Once again....I'm in this lame ass rut.

Bored with my life.

This is where I find myself the most.

Not exactly sure why.

Lack of human contact I think.

Although I don't care for people that much.

Maybe it's because I'm no longer free.

Trapped in this lame ass life.

I want out.

Sorry

Not sure the exact date I wrote this, (originally on a notebook page) but I believe it was in 2009.  I want to throw away the page and post it here.

I'm sorry I can't be constantly cute, sweet, happy.

I'm sorry for not willing to fuck you like your favorite porn stars.

I'm sorry for having a mind of my own.

I'm sorry for not being the exact body shape you want me to be.

I'm sorry I'm not pale enough.

I'm sorry for being indecisive.

I'm sorry for being mellow.

I'm sorry for being honest instead of kissing your ass.

I'm sorry for being cynical at times.

I'm sorry I didn't turn out what you'd thought I'd be.

I'm sorry but I won't change for you.

Or anyone.

I don't even know why I want to keep this.  

That relationship ended way back in Feburary. You were nice but I just couldn't do it. I no longer felt the same. Why do you still feel the same about me even after many months apart? Never meant to hurt you and sorry for the pain that you are going through. Just please get over it already.

Apprehension

I'm no longer looking forward to the week long trip in February. Just want this over with already. Kind of a bitch thing to say and feel.....

Smile and fake it

Time for plan B....wait, what's plan B?!

Plans to go to school in Mexico fell through. Missed the deadline to pay a fee and now I cannot take the entrance exam. What I want to do now is to apply to as many universities as I can in Wisconsin, hopefully get accepted to the ones I really want and go to school. But the thought of doing all that paperwork again is deterring me. Not just the paperwork....just thinking about what I'm going to do once I graduate. I know it'll be years for that to happen but it still sits on my mind, wondering if I'm wasting my time pursing this degree. I really do want this though so why is there doubt in my head? Am I being logical?

Rough Ride

Will I be able to handle this? Too late to ask myself this now that I jumped into the relationship. I don't regret it at all, I really like this guy. Just that it's been 2-3 years since I've dated anyone and the fact that this relationship is a long distance one adds even more pressure.

*Remember: Just enjoy the moment.

Only You by Della Swiss

Only you
Only you
Only you
Is all I see or do

Only you
Only you
Only you
Is all I see or do

I might seem disconnected
There maybe some confusion
But what you got
Is what I like
So don't be shy
Cause most of all

It's only you
Only you
Only you
Is all I see or do

Only you
Only you
Only you
Is all I see or do

Don't ask why
There's no answer
And in time
We'll get better
All of this
The game of it
So don't be shy
Cause most of all

It's only you
Only you
Only you
Is all I see or do

Only you
Only you
Only you
Is all I see or do

It's only you
Only you
Only you
Is all I see or do

Only you
Only you
Only you
Is all I see or do

Della Swiss Website