Is it worth it?

To spend time with someone you like, but don't picture a future with him? Is that the purpose of our lives? Find a companion to spend the rest of your life with? Sounds pretty lame if you ask me. Yet that's how our society seems to work and if you think differently, you become an outcast.

But I prefer to live in the moment, so is it wrong? I'm not using him, I do like him. The situation we're in is already odd. Neither of us truly want a relationship but I see myself pushing for one. Just so that I won't be in another FWB type of relationship again. Though we've done nothing....yet, just kissing but it just might get heavier. And I don't like to share. Maybe I should just wait longer.

Too soon?

So yeah, I faced my fears and told my crush about how I felt about him. He told me that he felt the same way but that we should just remain friends. That he's stressed out about some things in his life at the moment and don't want to start anything yet.

I don't believe what he told me. That's just a nicer way of saying no or not interested, I'm sure. But that's ok. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm proud of myself actually since this is a pretty big step for me. Usually, I wait for guys to come up to me. And if they don't, then in the end I missed out (kinda) for not taking that tiny risk.

This was not supposed to happen

Nothing can be done to prevent it from happening since my heart is not made of stone. Though at times, I wish it was. I try to build walls, and I do but it seems pretty pointless since they are easily broken. Haha, I'm the one that breaks them down for that one person to come through. So I can be vulnerable and endure the pain that comes my way.

"You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again"

-Regina Spektor

(Because secretly, we're all masochists.)

What a way to blow that cute phrase, huh? Haha, I'm joking. But it is truly hard to act like your heart was never broken. It's kinda like that whole "learning not to touch the stove" situation for me. I got hurt. Several times with different guys. Ok, what to do to prevent it from happening again? The answer is nothing. There is nothing that anyone can do except to build walls and even those fall.

Now...to tell or not to tell. I'm afraid to tell my crush how I feel. It's kinda insane to think that it's scary to tell someone:

Simple little words with so much meaning.

Second time this month

I had a dream about him again. Not the guy in my previous post. This dude, Matt, was my crush back in high school. My sophmore year in high school '02, met him in my english class. That was many years ago so I guess my brain was just recycling memories...? I don't remember my first dream, I just know that he's in it. This morning, at 3:30 am, my brother's alarm woke me up. Just in time I guess because I can feel heart beating really fast. Normally I would remember scary events in my dream but this time, I don't. The only parts I remember is swimming in an indoor pool, getting out and going into the bathroom. I'm assuming it was a uni-sex bathroom since guys and girls were in there. I looked in the mirror and saw my collar bone and shoulders had huge flakes on them. I didn't freak out but kinda disgusted with it and asked people around me what was going on with my skin. Then Matt came up to me and said that it was sun burn. I told him that I never get sunburn and he said, "Well guess what, that's sunburn." And walked out the bathroom. I changed and left the building and saw him outside talking to my dad. I walked up to them to see what they were talking about but when I reached them, he said bye and walked away.
After that, I don't remember the rest of my dream. I wish I remembered what made my heart race. Only things that are terrifying in my dreams do that and I always remember, but this time I don't. Haha, maybe is was a night terror.

Anyways, I'm sure that this dream meant nothing, but I just thought that it was odd that I dreamt about him twice without thinking about him at all, since high school.