Reacquainted

Had a meeting at work the other day. We were all forced to go so that meant I was going to see Alex. The whole time I was able to avoid him at work but not this time. I was kinda nervous to go because I didn't know what to say when I saw him...couldn't even decide if I should say anything at all. The moment I walked through the doors, he was the first person I saw. Didn't recognize him at first, had to do a double take. He grew out his hair....normally, he just shaves his head. I smiled, walked over to him, opened my arms and gave him a hug. Surprised myself, didn't expect that to be my reaction. Also hate admitting that I missed him. I haven't seen him since the last days of summer....I had to walk away, what we had was torture.

After the meeting, we talked for a little bit, catching up. And made plans to hang out later on today. Not really nervous but....I don't know, I'll see how it goes.

Is it worth it?

To spend time with someone you like, but don't picture a future with him? Is that the purpose of our lives? Find a companion to spend the rest of your life with? Sounds pretty lame if you ask me. Yet that's how our society seems to work and if you think differently, you become an outcast.

But I prefer to live in the moment, so is it wrong? I'm not using him, I do like him. The situation we're in is already odd. Neither of us truly want a relationship but I see myself pushing for one. Just so that I won't be in another FWB type of relationship again. Though we've done nothing....yet, just kissing but it just might get heavier. And I don't like to share. Maybe I should just wait longer.

No, not again

It's tempting but I don't think that I should put myself in this situation again.

Same story, different faces.

This time, I should learn from my mistake and avoid this all together. Although, it contradicts one of my mottos: Live life to the fullest. Haha

Totally unexpected

In a good way! Just got a email from a friend that I haven't heard from for a while.
I tried contacting her in the past but got little response. I understand that she is busy with her work and school, but at least give a little effort. I mean, we've been friends since 2nd grade. But I can't complain that much, I'm horrible at keeping in touch with people. I usually email her about 2 times a year, once on her b-day (which is next week) and christmas. We would email back and forth for a little and then she just stops and leaves me hangin. I recently decided that I would just stop emailing her. I just thought that we have different lives now and just grew apart. Then out of nowhere, I got a email from her (she's never the first to email). Turns out that she's moved back into the city and wants to meet so we can catch up!

It's been four years since we last hung out. I'm going to see her tomorrow. Wonder what she's like now.....

Too soon?

So yeah, I faced my fears and told my crush about how I felt about him. He told me that he felt the same way but that we should just remain friends. That he's stressed out about some things in his life at the moment and don't want to start anything yet.

I don't believe what he told me. That's just a nicer way of saying no or not interested, I'm sure. But that's ok. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm proud of myself actually since this is a pretty big step for me. Usually, I wait for guys to come up to me. And if they don't, then in the end I missed out (kinda) for not taking that tiny risk.

Don't mess this up!

Everything seems "cool" now, just friends and that's it. Yet I want more than that....again. Not the sex but to be in an actual relationship with him. I hate how my emotions changes constantly and I never know what I truly want. Kinda like a bi-polar person having mood swings. I just just need to wait it out and let it fade away. I know that if I open my mouth and tell him what I feel, it will mess everything up all over again.

Even if I do say something, it won't matter because he doesn't feel the same way, not anymore.

"I will never care for you....the way you care for me."

"I know...."
That is harsh but at least he's not playing around and telling me lies. Like most of the guys that I've dealt with in my past.

What am I getting myself into?

I feel guilty, wrong. Like I shouldn't be doing this and I know better than to behave this way. So why am I doing this? Every time I'm attracted to some guy, I just throw my morals out the window. But are they my morals or society's?

Damn this friends with benefits relationship. It's fun but why do I feel so damn guilty about it? I don't want anything more, I'd prefer to stay single actually. I just hope that neither one of us gets hurt during this relationship, phase, or whatever.