The beginning...when everything was new and exciting.

I miss it. Maybe because I wasn't emotionally attached before. Or maybe I was attached and I was in denial the entire time. Now I'm stuck in this rut, since I know for sure now that I did have a chance and it's too late now. That's what I get for being indecisive/in denial. It hurts....only time can heal, it's going to be long and painful.
I don't even understand why I'm attracted to him in the first place. I'm not a shallow person but his physical appearance is very.....he has two obvious abnormalities. I overlook them....I tend to overlook flaws when I like a guy's personality. What's bugging me is the fact that he smokes cigarettes and gets high by smoking pot. I tend to stay away from drug users and smokers but I don't know where my attraction for him is coming from. He is not right for me as I am not right for him. It's probably the whole "opposites attract" deal. I truly hope that this situation don't turn into a big, horrible mess.

Am I being optimistic or just in denial?

I don't know. I'm usually optimistic about life and constantly telling myself that things will get better. I've been saying that for so many years now. I've lost count. That phrase is starting to get old. But I can't give up. Giving up is not an option. I'm just in a rut right now, especially since something terrible recently happen to my family. Inspiration will come back to me, I know it.
Or maybe I'm just completly worn out. I now have a second job. Working two jobs and going to school at the same time....there's very little time for me to breathe. I just need some air, lol.