So many paths...

This feeling I have...kinda feels like I'm going through a mid-life crisis at the age of 21. There actually is a "quarter-life" crisis, you know, at the age of 25. I guess I got it early and I didn't even graduate from college and work in my "career" yet. That is one of the obvious reasons why I'm feeling this anxiety. I'm going to finish school pretty soon and I don't care for the program I'm graduating from. What a complete waste of four years of my life! Now I have to deal with the repayment of the student loans. Actually, they are making me pay them back now even though I'm currently attending school. The job I have at the moment isn't really helping.

This is my life at the moment, every month, like clockwork.


Even though my life seems to be at a stand still, there is still hope inside of me. Its just I don't know which way to go. I tend to come up with all these different plans on where to go or what to do next. I create so many that I lose myself all over again in the confusion. Even though I came up with a crap load of plans, there is really two choices and I have to choose one. The first choice is when I graduate, transfer to a different school, study a major that I actually want and be in debt for the rest of my life. Or the second choice is when I graduate, find a GOOD job and stick with it for a while to gain money I need to go to a university.

Choice #1: Continue to go to school
Ok, which school?

• University of Iowa
  

Why there? Well they take my credits, so it'll cost me less.

• Columbia College Chicago
  

I truly think that this is the school for me. But I read some reviews on the school and they were not good. And it's really expensive. Not sure if financial aid/student loans would help cover the costs.

• "Specialty" School in New York

They are cheaper than CC-Chicago but it's in NY. The living expenses are way too expensive and I'll end up living in Central Park.

or
Choice #2: Get a career, earn money, then go back
Ok, where to apply?

• Cruise Ship

Would be a good idea to do but I have to have at least a year experience working in a restaurant. I don't think that fast food counts.  But I can always do something else.

• Hotel

Seem like a logical choice

• Casino

A more interesting place to work instead of a hotel

• Restaurant

......*sigh*

I still have some time to think about what to do next. Actually, I know what I want to do but I can't do it because of my financial situation. Just have to figure out if its possible to get there.
Life is just a bunch of roads, don't know where it's going to take you.

If I only could....make a deal with God

And get him to swap our places....

Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could.....

Am I being optimistic or just in denial?

I don't know. I'm usually optimistic about life and constantly telling myself that things will get better. I've been saying that for so many years now. I've lost count. That phrase is starting to get old. But I can't give up. Giving up is not an option. I'm just in a rut right now, especially since something terrible recently happen to my family. Inspiration will come back to me, I know it.
Or maybe I'm just completly worn out. I now have a second job. Working two jobs and going to school at the same time....there's very little time for me to breathe. I just need some air, lol.

Job Hunting

Yeah, I can't really stay where I work at the moment, any longer. I work at a fast food restaurant and they give me no hours and the pay is of course crap. I always ask for more hours but most of the time they just give me an extra two hours, for the week. And every week it's different amount of hours, never consistent. One week it's 20 then the next it's 17, then the next it's 10, then 15, etc. I can't seem to save any money whatsoever. Everything that I earn goes to my bills and gas for my car. I don't go out, I stay in and watch tv and go online all the time. I'd like to go out once in a while but I just can't. I can handle staying in....what I'm truly worried about is if I am able to pay for my last class that I need to graduate next semester. I was supposed to graduate last semester but could only afford one class. I do not what that to happen again because my shitty ass job prevented that from happening. So I'm looking for a new place to work. It's going to be hard because I know that this job that I'm applying for, I probably won't get. Why? Maybe because I won't leave my current job and most employers look down on that because they don't want there employee's to be worn out by working two jobs and not working at their full potential. Honestly, I'm a little scared about having two jobs at the same time. I would just try to find one job that pays well and gives me enough hours that will make me happy but it's hard to find that in this city.

My room is kicking my ass!

Just trying to get organized seems to make me even more unorganized. And being a pack rat does not help at all! I know that it'll happen though. Slowly....very slowly but surely.
I just hope that it won't be all for nothing. My ceiling might cave in again this winter. I see mold forming there from the rain. I'm really tired of going through the same shit every year.

Back To School!!

Yep, I'm going back to school tomorrow and I'm actually kinda excited about going back.  Maybe because I'm only taking one class this semester and its once a week.  I would have taken two classes this semester, thats all I need left to graduate and get my degree but no.  I had to make one little mistake and get into a car accident and since I don't have insurance, I have to pay out of my pocket.  Sucks but life happens when you make plans.  That quote is from John Lennon I believe.  Not exactly the way I worded it but the point is there.

Now that I think about it, I just might be bored out of my mind in that class.  Its pretty much a computer class teaching basic skills.  I'm not an expert on these machines but I know enough to get by and I think thats what the class is about.  And the book for the class is $100, which is pricey for me.  Plus other materials that are needed for that class, not sure what they are until I get there.

Haha, I failed!

Some people probably do this, setting goals for the summer.  I only had one.  ONE goal and I did not complete that.  Pretty pathetic but thats what I get for procrastinating constantly.  That one goal is to clean my room.  Yeah, I've been a complete mess this year due to slight depression.
Well, technically summer isn't over yet so I still have a chance in completing my goal :P
Summer ends I believe in September 21?  Somewhere around that date.  I have to clean out my drawers and that is a huge task.  I never want to throw anything away which is another reason why it's kinda difficult for me to actually finish my room.  There is a pile of papers that I have to sort through to see if I need them or not.  I did clean my closet!  So the summer didn't go to waste as I thought :)

Resisting temptation.....

The other day, I was running a little late to work. As I was walking out of my door, I was greeted by two nice Jehovah Witnesses. Made small talk and they gave me this book I believe is for teens or young adults. Anyways, I decided to read some of it today. Some of the subjects include parents, loneliness, drugs and alcohol, and sex. I went straight to the sex section to see what they had to say about premarital sex. Well, of course the book said that it's bad and shouldn't be done. I actually did learn something new though, but it doesn't have to do with premarital sex. Masturbation was never mentioned in the bible so I guess its not really a sin, but still looked down upon. That's good news for all of the males on this planet, huh? lol.
Just reading about their opinions on premarital sex kinda made me have the urge to go out and do it, lol. I guess its just the rebellious side of me coming out for a little moment when I read that. Of course, I didn't go out and have sex since I'm not in a relationship right now. Even though there are people out there that do that, I am not one of them, I care about my health. I lost my virginity when I was 19. Still to this day, I truly wished that I hadn't lost it. I envy a friend of mine who is 22 and is still a virgin. That is so rare and precious to find now days.

Kinda new to this whole blogging thing...

Don't really know why I've decided to do it, but I'm doing it.  Although I'd never share anything with people I know and trust in my life, I'm willing to post it all on here.  Its kinda funny because I do have a journal that I write in from time to time.  Maybe its because I want to be heard, yet being secretive at the same time.  Or maybe just to find people out there that I can relate to and vice versa.  If anyone will ever find this blog and read my posts, lol.  Probably be talking to myself most of the time, lol.  I might even slack and not post anything for weeks.  I don't know, I'll see how this goes.