Thursday, September 24, 2009

Dear Me, 2005

I know you feel like you're lost and confused with no direction at all. Because I remember that moment in time. And how depressing it was feeling like all your friends will grow apart and move will happen but that's ok. It happens to pretty much everyone. And you'll meet new, interesting people along the way.

Writing this letter is going to be tricky because I can tell you the events that I've experienced so far, the friendships I've made, and people to avoid....but in a way that will be all pointless because of what I want to tell you. The main reason why I was so depressed at graduation was like I said before (and of course you know it because you're feeling like that at the moment) is because you don't know what to do with your life. In reality, you do know, you want to be involved in the arts. At that time, you were interested in photography but right now, I'm actually planning on going to school for film/video, which I find pretty awesome. Honestly, that's the path that will be taken sooner or later because even back then, I daydreamed about creating random scenes for movies, music videos, or whatever really.
I remember almost everyone didn't agree with what I wanted to do with MY life and I sort of gave up and stopped caring. Ok, here's the tricky part.....DON'T LISTEN TO THEM. This is your life, not theirs. You'll soon figure out it doesn't matter what other people think of you. It's hard for me to say that because I can't tell you what will happen since I did not choose that path. Instead, I chose to be miserable and picked a major that I never cared about at a technical college. I worked hard for 4 years for that damn degree and I'm not even proud of it. I didn't even go to my graduation, which was recent for me (about 3 months ago). Now, I'm finally going to do what I've should have done 4 years ago (your time).

I guess, technically, it's still up to you on what you want to do at that moment. Alright, I don't know what you're going to decide but I want to tell you the people to avoid. The number one person I want you to avoid is Brandon, which will be somewhat difficult if you chose that miserable path that I took. He was in several of my classes at the technical college. Him and everyone one in his life, especially his mom, are fake, close-minded people that will act nice to your face and talk shit about you behind your back. The worst kind you could ever interact with. He will be my 3rd boyfriend (if you read this, hopefully he won't be)and sadly we dated for a year and I gave my virginity to him after a month of dating. So much for waiting til marriage, huh?.....and I don't even want to get married anymore. Haha, that must be a shock to you...haha, what am I saying, this entire letter is one massive shock. I still can't believe I lost my V-card to a 26 year old loser that lives in his mom's basement. And it wasn't even good....lasted 3-5 minutes and I couldn't feel a damn thing except for when my hymen broke. TMI? Well, it happened and I figured you'd be curious. So please wait for someone special and let me tell you, I still haven't found that guy. Sad, I know but it shouldn't be your priority right now anyway.
Let me just list the people to avoid and the reasons:
Matt - was married and didn't tell me (never dated, just avoid him)
Christian - had a girlfriend and didn't tell me (same as above)
Evan - Brandon's friend (really dumb of me)
Alex - had a FWB relationship with him, and I became attached. Not doing that again.
Terry - sad, I know...friends from HS yet for some unknown reason, she became negative towards me.

Ok, cool people if you ever get a chance to meet them:
Why are they awesome? I'll let you find out =]

The thing that's bothering me is that if you don't interact with the people I told you to avoid, how will you/I get stronger emotionally? Writing this letter to you is kinda eerie in a way. I know it's only been four years but I've grown since then. And I'm still growing....sometimes making the same mistakes over and over again but it's all part of the process as painful as it may be. Depending on what you decide, I won't know how I'll turn out to be. But the more I think about it, I honestly think that I'll turn out fine. Like I said, it's only been four years so there is still plenty of life for me to go through now. The whole point of this letter is just me trying to tell to you be happy. I remember how sad I was....everything will be ok. =] Only if I could give you a big hug right now, lol <3

Yes, there will be moments when I get angry, sad, depressed, lonely, jealous, nervous, ashamed. But that's just part of life. Same thing with feeling happy, ecstatic, pleasure, awesome, beautiful, daring, serene. There will be good moments and bad moments. Just don't let the bad moments bother you too much.

Alright, I've told you some info about what I've experienced so far and gave you my opinion on what should be done instead. Now it's up to you to decide what to do from here.

Oh, and if you choose to go to school in Chicago after high school graduation, just a heads up, around the time you'll graduate from CCC (probably around '09), the economy in this country will be shit. What does that have to do with you? It's going to be a bitch to find a job after graduation. Don't let that bring you down though! I'm sure there are plenty of jobs you/I can do with that degree. I have yet to find out! I'll probably be graduating in '12....unless the world ends :O (google it) lol.

Live life to the fullest,


Back to reality.....
Writing this was really difficult for me. Just imagine sending this letter, and all the events that I've experienced could possibly change. That's a pretty insane thought there. Kinda reminds me of the movie The Butterfly Effect.

This blog entry is part of a group blog. Go and check out other letters!


Karen said...

Oh to be so young and full of possibilities!

Don't sweat the fact that you got a degree you don't care about. You have PLENTY of time ahead of you to find what you love and do it!

Randomization said...

Yeah, I can't wait til January when I go to college, again, but this time it's after something that I want to do =]

Stephanie Faris said...

One thing I'm seeing in common today is men. We all want to go back and tell ourselves about the men who have come into our lives! And those who have gone from them...

otin said...

A wise man once said, "Nothing in life is a mistake unless it injures or kills someone"! Oh wait, that was me who said that! LOL! Go after what you want, don't look at it solely on a financial basis! You will do fine, and don't stress about the asshole guys, we are all assholes!(Well, not me!) :)

kyslp said...

I wonder what you will want to tell yourself in another 5 or 10 years?

My v card cash in wasn't too great either.

Randomization said...

I know, I was thinking about that. Probably tell myself, just avoid everyone, they all suck. Be a loner lol j/k

In spite of everything that I've endured so far and all the flaws I have....I feel really lucky =]

Clelia said...

I read carefully your life... 2005- 2009 3 years passed and you changed. It is a very original post, I 've never read something like this and I found it very intersting. A net that "walk" through your past and go to your future... You are an amazing film maker ! I could figure out everything ... like scenes of movie


Randomization said...

Thank you! That was very sweet ^_^
You have no idea how happy you've made me <3