Written sometime in 2009:
Not sure the exact date I wrote this, (originally on a notebook page) but I believe it was in 2009. I want to throw away the page and post it here.
That relationship ended way back in Feburary. You were nice but I just couldn't do it. I no longer felt the same. Why do you still feel the same about me even after many months apart? Never meant to hurt you and sorry for the pain that you are going through. Just please get over it already.
I'm no longer looking forward to the week long trip in February. Just want this over with already. Kind of a bitch thing to say and feel.....
Plans to go to school in Mexico fell through. Missed the deadline to pay a fee and now I cannot take the entrance exam. What I want to do now is to apply to as many universities as I can in Wisconsin, hopefully get accepted to the ones I really want and go to school. But the thought of doing all that paperwork again is deterring me. Not just the paperwork....just thinking about what I'm going to do once I graduate. I know it'll be years for that to happen but it still sits on my mind, wondering if I'm wasting my time pursing this degree. I really do want this though so why is there doubt in my head? Am I being logical?
Will I be able to handle this? Too late to ask myself this now that I jumped into the relationship. I don't regret it at all, I really like this guy. Just that it's been 2-3 years since I've dated anyone and the fact that this relationship is a long distance one adds even more pressure.
So recently I've decided to take a 3 day vacation to Utah. Why? Well, I'll be visiting a friend. For the first time. How we met is probably the nerdiest way ever. Ok, not really but it is odd, haha. It was on X-Box Live.
YES! I got a new job. It's not really that great compared to my previous job but the pay and hours are slightly better.
Diana: Hey, I got a present for you.
Me: What, why? What's the occasion?
Diana: It's your going away present.
Me: Aww, you didn't have to do that.
Diana: I know but I still want to. Just promise me that if you plan on giving it away, give it to someone that will take care of it. Don't sell it in the black market either.
They seem to be constantly appearing in my life. Starting to get a little old. Tired of trying to find ways to get around them or find a new road completely.
"It's not easy to remember that a road block is not the end of the world."
About a week ago, I gave an envelope to Alex at work and told him that it was a really dirty note and to not let anyone read it. I was joking, what was really inside the envelope was four dollars that I owed him. Later on that day, he came up to me and jokingly told me that he was disappointed that it didn't turn out to be a dirty note. As he was walking away, I explained loudly (idiot) that it technically was a note...and that it was dirty. Turned my head and noticed that another co-worker was looking at me but I didn't think anything of it because in my head, this was all innocent. It is innocent! I was joking. But she had no idea what I was talking about. She actually thought I wrote a dirty note.
Obviously, the reason for feeling alone in this hell is because no one really talks about their problems. Most just repress it, hide it and does a very excellent job doing so. I try but at times, my facial expressions and body language tends to give me away.
Alex: Last night, I woke up around 4 am. I rolled over to hold you, thinking you were still lying next to me. In mid-roll, I remembered you left, then landed on my stomach and felt a sharp pain on my side. I laid there laughing at myself.
Well, if someone is willing to buy it for $1000 or more, consider yourself lucky. Would you ever have someone to cut your hair really short for that amount of money? Do you think it's worth it?
My friend Lupe invited me to go see a movie with her and a couple of her co-workers. The movie was Twilight: Eclipse.
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